Update

Update:  Noah is doing really well!  His red blood count has improved, his liver enzyme levels are improving and he's steadily gaining weight.

We've started both breastfeeding and bottle feeding.  He's doing really well breastfeeding but was quite worn out and too tired to bottle feed today. 

I'm here all day today and we are working on feeding on demand. 

The nurses and staff are optimistic that he'll master bottle feeding soon and day the only thing keeping us in the NICU is his weight.  He needs to be at least 4 pounds to go home.  He is 3 pounds, 1 ounce today.  We are still looking at bringing him home before Christmas. That could be one week or one day before, we won't know until we get closer.

We aren't sure what the future holds as far as developmental issues or delays.  Every test he taken has come back clear, but many IUGR babies have issues with eye sight, asthma and allergies and/or delays in speech or reaching physical milestones.

Those are scary, sure, but what's most important is that he is alive, healthy and thriving.

We are so blessed and we cannot wait to bring him home so that he can finally meet his big sister!

Much to be thankful for.

Hope

Resilience

Miracles

Two months ago, I was laying in a hospital bed, talking to Greg on the phone, wondering if I would make it home for Thanksgiving and if I would still be pregnant at that point.

I woke up that morning repeating "Today I am still pregnant".

Many times I thought to myself "I just want this to be over".  I didn't really know what "over" meant exactly but I knew I wanted to move on to the next phase of whatever the Lord had in store for me.  

I find myself fighting His plan even now.  Asking Him to hurry it up so that we can move on to the next phase and the one after that, even though I'm not sure what those phases even hold.  I just know that the one I'm in now is slowly squeezing the hope, joy and energy right out of me.  

Lately, our schedule has been so full that I'm physically, emotionally and mentally feeling the effects of it.  I wake up at 4am to pump, finish up around 4:45 (my morning pump is epic since I'm not pumping in the middle of the night any longer), get everything cleaned up, shower, pack my lunch and get Grace's cup and breakfast ready, start waking her up, get her dressed (this is a feat in itself, daily), get her to daycare, drive to the NICU 45 minutes away (without traffic), pump, feed Noah, snuggle, meet with the nurses and his neonatologist, drive back to Racine, pump, work, pick up Grace, get home, dinner, running around, pass out. 

Lately I've pushed myself to the edge of exhaustion so many times that I literally just fall asleep. My body aches, my incision hurts, my head pounds and I've pushed too hard.  In working on slowing down, but there really isn't much I can cut from that schedule.  I'm down to 6 pumps a day and that's as low as I'm willing to go right now. 

The thing is, as a mom, you don't have a choice, you just do it. You do it because your family needs you. All moms do this, NICU moms just do it on fumes.

I'm reading "Early Daze" by Jennifer Roberts and this passage is spot on.  This is how I feel almost every day.  I can't snap out of it and I just hold on and pray that this phase will end soon.  

So I pray to God, please let this phase pass. Bring Noah home, home to my arms, 4 seconds away instead of 45 minutes. As I'm praying, I run out of words to say, things to beg for, and I realize that I've lost my attitude of thankfulness. That all I can think about is my exhaustion and personal struggles.  So I still my heart and my mind and I pray without words.  I let Him see my true heart and start to trust again that He will provide what is best. Even if it's not what I want, it will be what is needed.  He knows my heart as he knows every hair on my head.  

I also know that I'm not the only one in this family and mine are certainly not the most important needs that need being met right now.  So I hold on.  

Hope. Resilience. Miracles.  That's what the bracelet I wear on my arm from Graham's Foundation reminds me of daily.  

Resilience.  Keep going. 

There is MUCH to be thankful for.  My family is healthy and alive.  We are surrounded by a village that has helped us in immeasurable ways and continues to do so, out of the blue.  BLESSED.   So whatever His plan is, I will continue to be thankful for the blessings and the struggles and pray that I can hold on to this hope without fail.  And know that when I do fail, He will ensure I am lifted back to my feet again.   I hold a miracle in our arms daily and for that, there is much to be thankful for.  

"The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:3

Pictures

I have so much to write and share, but life between driving to and from day care, the NICU, work and beyond has just gotten in the way.  I'm also passing out every night around 7:30 and sleeping as much as I can around pumping times.

So in the meantime - here are some pictures of Noah to tide you over!

Christmas blessings

NOAH WILL BE HOME BY CHRISTMAS!!

I'm so freaking excited!!

All he has to do is keep growing and feeding.  Even with the setbacks we had this week, he's still surpassing everyone's expectations!!!!

I can't wait for Grace to meet her brother and to have my whole family together under one roof!!!

A little setback

Today was "what will Missie cry about next" day at work. Everything made me cry today.  Sheesh!  Thankfully my work family is awesomely understanding.

Noah had a little setback today. He needs a transfusion because his red blood platelet count was low.  His liver is also in need of a little support in producing a specific enzyme, so he'll be on a 2 week course of treatment for that.  These are all "normal" micropreemie side effects but my heart is heavy as it means it's a little bit of a delay in his journey home.  We didn't have the best breastfeeding experience today either so I was a little bummed about that.

But we are still blessed and we are still the lucky ones.

Runner coaster indeed.

Evasion and exhaustion

I realized this morning that I'm in the stage of our NICU journey when you just hold on for dear life and wait for it to end.  The last giant drop in the time coaster ride.

Noah is growing, feeding and learning right now.  He's learning to breastfeed (which is hard work for both of us!) and packing on the ounces.  He averages a half an ounce a day in weight gain, sometimes 1 - 1 1/2 ounces in one day!

Our goal right now is 4 pounds, move to an open air crib and learn to bottle/breastfeed. Once he gets into the open air crib, the end will be in sight!!

So maybe we are on the slow climb to the top of the hill before we begin the crazy ride into bringing home a newborn.

Torn

I feel like I'm letting Noah down.

We are starting breastfeeding - not just dry feeding - and of course it's right when I went back to work part time and can't be up there all day.  It's 45 minutes each way and gas prices are already killing us, so it's almost impossible to be up there more than once a day. 

Noah needs me so much right now and I feel like I'm failing him.

I don't know what to do. I feel so torn. :(