Clear Band Society

How do you identify parents with babies in the NICU? The clear bands we all wear. They have a number on them that we have to use as a password when we call in to get updates on Noah. It's also how the NICU staff knows we are approved to come in at any time of the day. I wear mine like a badge of honor but I'll be really happy when we can cut it off and bring Noah home. 

You identify other NICU parents this way.  When you're running to the cafeteria for a quick bite, in between cares and skin to skin times, you see the other parents with bands and you immediately feel a kinship.  They're your people, they understand what you're going through.  You wonder what their story is.  How old is their child?  Do they have one or two littles in the NICU?  Do they have children at home?  Are they in the "shock and awe" stage or are they simply waiting it out until they can take their little one home?

Then you feel guilty - we are the lucky ones.  Noah is THRIVING and doing well.  Sure, we have fears.  Will his advanced feedings result in NEC?  Will his red blood count go up so that we can avoid a transfusion?  His newborn screening came back inconclusive for Severe Combined Immune Deficiency (SCID) which is an autoimmune disease.  We worry that although it's very common for that to happen, that most babies do NOT have this - and most preemies just do not have enough of the 'stuff' needed to rule it out right away, we just pray that we remain the lucky ones and that he does not have it. 

But you feel the guilt.  The guilt that you have the healthier baby.  I have friends who had shorter NICU stays who feel guilty that they "only" had to endure a week or two in the NICU.  Any time away from your child is a tragedy - we are all both lucky and unlucky.   But we are all blessed. 

You see that clear band and you know.  You know the longing, the fears, the fight.  The love, the blessings and the strength.