Miles To Go Before I Sleep

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

-Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening;

Robert Frost

This post is one of the ones where I hover over the publish button.  I hesitate to share my fears and also share details of my relationship with Greg.  He's amazing, but I am human.  So know that this is a tiny slice of our life and these are my emotions, raw and unedited. 

Some days, I don't want to live this life.  I don't want to die, I love my family, but I am SO EXHAUSTED.   I'm tired of leaving Noah every day come home to my family that isn't yet complete.   I'm tired of the stress - the money that is running out.  My maternity pay was held up for 2 weeks because the hospital didn't confirm Noah's birth.  So my gas tank is on empty and I have zero cash. We have to take money out of savings to pay daycare and put gas in my car.  Every time we dip into savings, I'm reminded of how expensive daycare will be with two children.  How I won't be paid when Noah comes home.  There's so much stress and so much guilt.  Greg and I aren't communicating like we should.  I'm so angry at him for things that aren't his fault.  Angry I'm never having another baby, that I had my tubes tied. Angry that I'm the one going up every day, angry that he was sick, angry that I am feeling selfish, angry that I'm recovering from surgery and not really recovering.  That I have to go back to work 4 weeks earlier than I should. Angry that I am going back to work without a baby at home.  I'm just so MAD.  

We are blessed, we are the lucky ones, I get it.  I know that.  But I want to hold Noah ALL FREAKING DAY and have our 8 weeks of maternity leave together to bond and get to know each other.  The last time I will ever be on maternity leave.  The last baby I will ever have.  Instead I'm staring at him through a 1/2 inch of plastic and holding him every second of the one hour a day he can be held.   And when I miss a day?  That's one less hour I can hold him.  And it's not fair.  It SUCKS.  

This whole thing SUCKS right now.   All these moms from my birth month on The Bump are having babies and we all were pregnant together and started a Facebook group.  The moms who are going into labor early - I tell them that there is hope and love amidst the chaos of the NICU. But I want to tell them how much it SUCKS some times too.   How you feel like you aren't in control of any damn thing. Not one thing.  How everything is a slap in the face, reminding you of your NICU baby.  From getting dressed (can I Kangaroo care in this top?), from pumping and planning your entire day around your pump, from calls daily to check on him, everything is a reminder. Even friends who post about their brand new babies - you celebrate this new life for them, but you hurt inside because you want to be the one to post about going home, settling in and sleepless nights NOW, not months from now.  And the only number you have is some arbitrary number "maybe around your due date" because NICU babies go from amazing to life threatening overnight sometimes. 

You worry that you are too lucky and that you'll somehow be punished for having a child who is beating all odds.  

I'm tired.  Beyond tired.  Emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.   I can't sleep all day because I can't see Noah if I sleep.  I can't sleep because I am pumping every 2 hours.  That's 2 hours from the time you start pumping, so my 45 minute pump this morning means I pumped an hour and 15 minutes after I finished that one.  I'm still in the stage where my body needs to pump every 2-3 hours to know to keep my supply regulated.   After 12 weeks you can relax a little, but my job right now is keeping my supply up so that I can feed Noah what he needs.  I can't fail him at this, I just can't.  

I have miles to go before I sleep.  Next up, conference call with SSI, then pump, then force myself to eat lunch I don't want and then I start the 45 minute drive to see our miracle.   Miles to go before I sleep.