Noah Needs Me More

Grace doesn't want to leave the hospital anymore.  She cries and says her tummy hurts and that she has to stay here with me.   She throws her arms around my neck and holds on tight.  Tonight I couldn't keep it in and just started sobbing.  I hate that I can't be strong enough for her.  That she has to see me break down.  She's such a trooper and she just wants her Mommy.   And I want her.  I need her.  I miss her so, so much.  Her sweet laugh, her kisses and her silly personality.

We were able to get in a lot of snuggles tonight - we walked around the hospital and went to a waiting area with couches.   Somewhere other than my room.   That seemed to help a lot and she was more comfortable.   Parent guilt is the biggest hurdle right now for me emotionally.   I can handle the fear, I'm learning to overpower that.    I can handle the changes.   Those are only short term.  But what's going on right now is affecting Grace in a profound way, whether we make it as routine or fun as possible.  She still doesn't have her Mommy at home at night or in the mornings and she needs me.   And I'm not there.   Greg needs me too.  

Above all, we know that Noah needs me more right now and that we are in the best possible place to ensure that we all make it home safe and healthy.    We KNOW that but it doesn't make it hurt any less.  

I have coped with the reality of our situation by saying these things daily:

Noah will survive his birth.   He will be in the NICU for 8-10 weeks.  We will take every day as it comes and he will grow up to be a strong, normal and perfectly healthy son.   Our family is growing and although it's not how we expected, it's okay.  It's only temporary.    Long term, this will only be a blip on the radar.  

I think I need to really start adding in there that I will not be home with Grace and Greg for at least a month.   I am going to miss out on the fall pictures we had planned, the pumpkin farms, the next 30 mornings and 30 nights.    This is our reality.

Noah needs me more right now.   It's not about me.

This week will be a week of working on being stronger for everyone.   For mentally processing what's causing so much heartache and for really focusing all the positive and good energy we have around us into growing this little guy.  

Today was tough.   We'll have tough days, I know this.  But tomorrow will be better.   Tomorrow has to be better.