22 Days And Counting!

Today marks 22 days, just over 3 weeks, that I've been admitted.  (Or committed?) 

It's been an absolutely wild ride, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  



Physically - 3 weeks ago, I was getting steroid injections, IV lines with magnesium sulfate and saline, hooked up to many monitors, round the clock.   Today, I'm free of all monitors most of the time, other than 3 times a day (for about 1-3 hours each session) for Noah's heart rate monitoring.   I'm tired more often, from doing less during the day.   I walk around the hospital, try to do squats and stretches, but I have to be careful not to burn calories that Noah needs so badly.   The change in diet has been an adjustment - it was a shock to my system at first - but I'm adjusting and working around it.   

Emotionally & Mentally  - I am going to combine these two since they are so interlinked.  3 weeks ago, I was terrified, overwhelmed and felt like I was spinning out of control.   I was hopeful throughout which kept me grounded.  But as the days came and went, I adjusted.  I have days I wake up ready to take on the world and days I wake up crying.  In the early days, every day was a day I woke up sobbing, as the reality of our season hit me.   
Every day brings stress.  Waiting - I'm always waiting on something.  Waiting on monitoring, waiting on the ultrasound, waiting for the results, waiting for the MFM team to make their 2nd rounds, waiting for Greg and Grace to get here.   Waiting.   It's exhausting and most days I just survive.  

Lately, I'm in a funk, but making it through.  Kind of a 'fake it until you make it' mentality.  I'm searching out ways to break out of this and I know I'll climb back out of this hole shortly.   I realise I'm shutting people out and not wanting to talk on the phone much. I'm able to talk to visitors when they come but I find myself tiring easily.  

I can tell you that visitors help so much.   And phone calls, Skype sessions, etc.   Don't stop those please.  

Spiritually - I was filled with hope most days.  I'm still hopeful for Noah's survival but overwhelmed at the road ahead (NICU, finances, trying to balance work and NICU, work and Noah, not knowing when he can go to daycare and how long he'll need to be home).    I'm putting a call into my pastor today to refill my spiritually bucket.   

I will have 8 weeks off work after Noah arrives, but once he comes home, I will technically need to return to work. I don't think that will be a possibility as he can't go to daycare right out of a NICU stay. We already have a daycare that Grace goes to and I'm in the process of seeing how she'll be able to take care of Noah. We don't yet know exactly what his needs will be, so I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But I keep thinking "how will I go back to work after 8 weeks if he's still on a feeding tube.?" Usually your kid is 8 weeks or older before they go to daycare. He'll be gestationally at 2 weeks when I need to return to work. I don't think I'll be able to go back that quickly the more I think about it.  I am on FMLA leave now, but its only 12 weeks. My short term disability ends at 6 weeks postpartum. I'm not sure what the heck we are going to do. I think all we can do right now is pray and wait. 

So that's where I'm at personally after 22 days.   I miss Greg and Grace every single moment of every single day.  I miss my 'old' life.  The walls close in here and I haven't been outside in 3 weeks.  I have my eye on the prize though and we're half way there!   4 weeks and 2 days left if all goes right.  Counting down the days!