The Dark Days

I promised myself that the blog wouldn't just be puppies, rainbows and hope all the time.   That I would share the bad days and the fear so that anyone else going through this knows that what they are feeling is normal.   The dark days are few and far between.   And they come out of nowhere.  This morning when I woke up, I knew today would be one of those days.   I was hopeful, knowing we had a growth scan.   I was praying that Noah had grown at least 6 ounces, hopefully even more, praying he'd hit 2 pounds.  I was SO SURE that he would blow us out of the water with the results.  

We had a growth scan 2 weeks ago (the 2nd day I was in the hospital for bed rest) and Noah was 1 pound, 6 ounces (617 grams).   2 weeks later, he's 1 pound, 9 ounces (715 grams).  

2 weeks ago, I was measuring 3 weeks behind (26 weeks, 6 days; measuring 23 weeks, 6 days).  Now I'm measuring 4 weeks behind (28 weeks, 6 days; measuring 24 weeks, 6 days).   So in 2 weeks, he's grown 3 ounces and measuring only 1 week further ahead than he was 2 weeks ago.   In 6 weeks, he's gone from 10th percentile to 5th to less than 3rd.

My heart aches.  I expected so much more.   At this rate, he'll never get to 2 pounds, even if we can make it to 34 weeks.   (Calculating that in 5 weeks, he'd gain 7 ounces max)

I thought that hospital bed rest would really help him, coupled with the good cord blood flow we've had for the majority of our days here.   I just KNEW he would grow, in my heart of hearts, I just KNEW he was going to gain weight.    And it didn't happen.

On top of that, I have so much anger because he's getting a raw deal.   The poor thing is going to come 8 weeks early - which REALLY will be more like 12 weeks early based on his growth.   And he is going to spend the beginning of his life in the freaking NICU, fighting to grow, breath, eat and stay alive.  

I'm not usually one to feel sorry for myself but these results SUCKED.   And it's not fair to Noah.  Not fair at all.  Nothing I'm doing is helping him, not the bed rest, the medication, the increased calories and protein, anything.  I feel so helpless.   And angry!

This is a bad day.  A dark day.  Tomorrow is a new one.  But today?  Today sucks.