Shifting Your Normal

Usually at this point in your pregnancy, you're thinking baby showers, getting the nursery ready and starting to wash little outfits and accessories.   I was there, just last week.   I had just started wondering if we'd be blessed enough to have a sprinkle thrown for Noah.  We had beautiful showers with Grace and didn't expect anything but my family is pretty amazing at spoiling new babies (and us!), so there was that silly hope that maybe we'd get one, however crazy or selfish that seems now.

I started pulling out only preemie and newborn clothes, knowing he'd be small, but still thinking we were overreacting.   That all of this would be a big "yeah the Doctors got it wrong" moment and he'd come out small, like 5 pounds, but full term and totally fine.  Greg and I started sharing photos of nurseries, color schemes and bed skirts.   We still hadn't even 100% decided on a name,

Today, I'm researching Kangaroo Care wraps, NICU bottles, sleepers that accommodate feeding tubes and what clothing we will actually need for Noah.

It's okay, it's just different.

Find joys in the little things.  There is joy in this.   We still get to bring him home in the outfit we picked out special for him.   Grace loves 'sneaky foxes' as she calls them so we found this outfit for his coming home debut.  It's just a preemie size and not the normal 0-3 months.    Now worries, it's still sentimental and adorable.

Shopping for baby items online really does make it more normal.   Greg picked out the bedding for Noah's room and it's totally little boy, all the way.   We're going to Skype and put things where we want them together.  I had told Greg a while back that the room was all his to choose.    I got to decorate both Grace's baby room and her big girl room, so he gets first dibs at Noah's room.   It's normalcy and it's actually fun.   

As I mourn the loss of the course of events I'd mapped out in my head, I'm delighting in the new experiences this brings.   I get to see our little guy EVERY SINGLE DAY.   Every day.  How many people have that blessing?   I get tons of pictures of him, every single day.   So many that I sent a bunch home with Greg.   That's a blessing that is overflowing.  

Today was another great day.  8/8 and TONS of practice breathing.   Lots of movement too. Watching his absent blood flow, actually WATCHING the doppler flow, knowing that he isn't getting what he needs to thrive, but enough to survive, it's wildly terrifying.  But he's staying the course.   And we have miles to go before we sleep.   So while we travel, I'm going to delight in the little things and find joy amongst the fear.