Layer one - leaving the hospital. It's exhilarating and exciting and terrifying. This place is safe. It's become normal to me. I miss my nurses. I miss the ease of walking down the hall, albeit slowly and painfully, to the NICU, which was so close. I miss water and snacks being a phone call away. Asking Greg for it is, well, it's different. I have become a burden in my head, which is not true to him, but in my head, it somehow made sense.
Layer two - leaving Noah. This is both an easy thing to do and excruciatingly painful. He's in the best hands possible, but he's also my baby and I'm leaving him behind. I'm heading home to the family I love, but it's not complete without him. Now that I'm home, I miss him like crazy. My heart is both with my family at home and Noah in the NICU. I know this is our reality for the next few months. I'll be so happy when my entire family is under one roof. I miss him with every heartbeat.
Layer three - reentering the world. Cars, loud noises, the highway, coming home. This was almost overwhelming. Everything seems LOUD to me. And just sensory overload. I miss the quiet of my hospital room. The order, the schedule, the predictability. I am not ready to drive, that is FOR SURE.
Layer four - reentering our home. The house is the same but so different. I am not sure where I fit into Greg and Grace's new normal. I don't know what my new normal is. I felt like I was in the way the first night. I cried almost the entire evening. I cried to my online mom friends who have been my rock throughout this - the NICU warriors who have gone before me and have adopted me in as one of their own. I let out my anguish and heartache and they listened and calmly told me it would be okay. I felt as though the world had moved on and I was left behind. And now I was trying to find my place again. Greg has reminded me about a million times that I am NOT a burden and that me coming home fixes things, it does not make it worse or break up something better than we had before.
Layer five - Grace. Tonight as I put her to bed for the first time in over a month, she whispered "Mommy, I sure am glad you're here to snuggle with me". She's snuck out of her room and into our bedroom 4 times with some excuse or another, but ultimately she just asks for a kiss and hug, smiles really big and then runs back to bed. She's so thankful and happy that I'm home and every day is filled with "oh, yeah, you're really here" moments that make me so happy to be home. But there's this odd feeling too - like I picked her over Noah. I am torn between my two children and I cannot pick them both at the same time. Not yet at least. I'm not sure how I'll get used to this or if I will just always feel like this when it comes to my kids.
Layer six - recovery. Being a NICU mom, I don't have time for the normal postpartum symptoms you normally go through. And I keep acting as if I'm still pregnant - I wake up on my back and think "oh no, he'll decelerate if I lay that way!". Or I rub my belly, still thinking I'm pregnant. I talk to Noah through my belly some times without thinking. The night sweats, hormone shifts, exhaustion? I totally forgot about those! I wake up drenched in sticky sweat and it takes a while to clear the fog from my brain. The swelling in my hands, feet and face? Ugg! The face is almost as bad as still looking pregnant. Grace swears there is still a baby in my belly. That's taking some adjusting and I've had a few selfish meltdowns over how I look. Greg's mom shocked me with a trip to the salon to get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. I got 6 inches chopped off and love it! I felt guilty getting it done but I also feel ready to take on the new days ahead of us. I feel a little fierce. I'd share a picture if my face didn't look so fat. Ha!
Layer seven - my husband. I have to remember that we are a team, even if we are taking shifts between Grace and Noah. Keep the communication open and honest. We made it this far and have a long road ahead of us. I pray that we will focus on our relationship throughout this journey so that we can stay strong as a couple and hold each other up. I'm so madly in love with him and thankful that he's my 'person'.
Leaving Noah was insanely hard once I got home. I was a wreck. I am stronger now and I was able to see him today for a good hour. Greg took Grace to the zoo and then he went up with his dad this evening. I was worried because I was in charge of Grace and I had to pump and take care of myself too. But it worked out. I was able to get done what needed to be done and I even had time to update the blog tonight. I feel more confident that I can take care of her for short time periods. I can't lift her up, so there's some restriction on what I can and can't do, but I can at least put her to bed and snuggle beforehand.
Our new normal is somewhere out there, and we'll discover it soon enough. Until then, I'm enjoying the time I do get with my family and focusing on the blessings that surround us - I don't have to look hard to find them, that is for sure.
Life is still filled with blessings. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9
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